Where do addictions come from and how do they manifest?

What is it about addictions? Where do they come from and how to they manifest?

Many psychologists think that it all stems down to attachment and The Attachment Theory. This is somewhat true I believe. However, there must be some greater reason why people have unhealthy addictions. There are many types of addictions: sex, drugs, exercise, food, gambling, unhealthy relationships and the list goes on. What if addictions are the result of not being able to express how we feel? What if addictions are the result of not being able to express how we feel growing up as children?

To grow up in an era where emotions and feelings were never discussed were quite troublesome for me. As a young person I always wanted to discuss how I felt, what was going on in my head and/or what I was confused about in life in general. That platform was never open for me. It was always like ‘oh, Jessica wants to talk about her feelings…’ and I was ridiculed and made fun of.

I could remember sitting at the dinner table as a child trying to teach my family that ‘why do we have to sit down at the kitchen table if we aren’t going to talk about how we feel?’ My eldest brother would make fun of me and then everyone would laugh. I learned how to suppress my feelings and not ever talk about my needs or my feelings.

As a grown up this has somewhat disabled me. It has disabled me in a way where, now, when I want to tell someone how I feel it can make me nervous, uneasy and somewhat anxious; almost ashamed of me feeling the way that I do.

As a therapist and all through out my training I have learned how to help people with these same issues. However, what about me? How can I help someone if I can’t help myself first? This is a common thing that many psychology students will face when they are starting school and deciding to major in psychology.

Psychologists are not to go into the field of psychology to learn about themselves I have been told. And, being the literal person that I am have taken that on board as it is not a selfless way of supporting and/or helping others.

But, how can we/I find the balance? And, how does this relate to addictions and to unwanted habitual behavior … whatever it is?

What if the theory is this…. people who have difficulty with addictions in their life have never been taught to deal with their emotions properly. People with addictions have never been able to cope with their emotions and therefore use drugs, alcohol. sex, gambling to escape these difficult feelings that must be digested.

No one wants to feel sad or feel sad. Although it is enlightening to be the rabbit hole for a short while I am not sure anyone wants to get stuck in the rabbit hole. But, how can we get out? How can we stop self-sabotaging ourselves? When we feel great and feel confident and alive someone may say something that brings us right back down into that hole. How can we shield ourselves from this or is it the impossible?

What are you thoughts? Why do you think people have addictions? Why do people get stuck in certain ways that can be harmful to others and harmful to oneself?

After all, if we are not growing as individuals… what are we actually doing in life? We are not meant to meander… or are we? I am not happy meandering….

Jealousy: Can it be a good thing?

When people think about jealousy, it’s natural to assume that it’s only ever a bad thing. After all, we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to others and should instead be happy with ourselves. If only this could happen so easily.

Thanks to social media, it has become increasingly difficult not to compare ourselves to others. But it’s easy to forget that people only put on social media what they choose to. It’s therefore not a realistic representation of their lives.

I have been thinking recently about how jealousy has the potential to be used as a positive; as a way of highlighting what you really want in life and in turn enabling someone to make the changes in their life in order to achieve it.

It can be so easy to just carry on with the way life is because it’s easier than trying something different and possibly failing. But what if you see someone else achieve their goals? Can it not make you feel as though you can also achieve yours?

Not all type of jealousy is so easily rectified though. If you’re jealous of the way someone looks or how much money they earn in comparison to you, this can’t always be changed. Therefore the way of combatting this jealousy is learning how to be happy with what you have in life, and unfortunately that’s not always as easy.

But turning jealousy into a positive can help create life goals and positive ways of changing. Jealously can perhaps be the mirror you hold up to your own life and realise what you want to change in order to be truly happy.

*Sarah Keeping is currently undertaking a Counselling Skills course in London and is looking to change her professional subject area to Counselling Psychology. Previous qualifications are in Investigative Psychology, Psychology, Applied Criminology, and Criminology and Sociology. Follow Sarah on twitter at @SKeeping_Psych

Hola, mi nombre es Ansiedad.

Hola, soy yo. He estado viviendo contigo desde hace un tiempo pero aún no me conoces. Después de este tiempo, decidí presentarme, creo que es necesario, tal vez así puedas entender mejor qué es lo que está pasando. A veces te escucho preguntándote por qué estás viviendo estas emociones y puedo ver que no la estás pasando bien. Algunas noches no puedes dormir por mi culpa y durante el día te sientes nervioso, enojado, cansado. Aparezco de diferentes maneras: pensamientos negativos, enojo, tristeza, irritabilidad, preocupación y miedo. Realmente no puedes vivir tu vida como quisieras. En lo único que puedes pensar es “no merezco esto”, y lo sé, te entiendo, mi presencia no es nada cómoda. He estado contigo desde hace mucho tiempo, algunas veces te das cuentas de mi presencia, pero no le das importancia, tal vez es porque no descansaste bien, estás cansado o tienes muchas cosas qué hacer. Siempre hay una respuesta para todo. Tan sólo la idea de que pueda ser yo, te asusta.

Todo empeoró hace dos semanas, ibas caminando por la calle de regreso a casa, fue un día pesado pero nada diferente a otros días en el trabajo, algunas citas, correos para responder, todo estaba normal, andabas por el mismo camino de cada día, de pronto te diste cuenta que algo estaba mal, todo estaba pasando muy rápido. Tu cuerpo se paralizó, tu respiración estaba aumentando y te sentías sin aire para respirar, te dolían los brazos, sentías mareos y ganas de vomitar. Sólo fueron unos segundos pero se sintieron como horas, estabas desesperado. La idea sobre morirte te asustó aún más, estabas seguro que estabas muriendo y no podías hacer nada. Después de esto, te calmaste y empezaste a caminar de nuevo. Estabas tranquilo pero en tu mente el miedo era más grande que antes, el miedo de sentirte así otra vez. Desde ese día no has podido dejar de pensar en eso, no puedes dormir y cuando por fin logras hacerlo, tienes pesadillas o te despiertas en medio de la noche, no has descansado. El miedo va contigo a todos lados, tienes miedo de vivir otra vez lo de hace dos semanas y haces todo lo posible por mantener el control y sentirte seguro, pero en tu interior, sabes que tienes miedo. No, no estás loco, aunque lo creas. Sé que hace dos semanas, cuando todo estaba fuera de control, creíste que te volverías loco, pero créeme, no lo estás. Es por eso que estoy aquí, es momento de que sepas quién soy.

Soy Ansiedad. Lo sé, mi nombre no es bonito, algunas personas se asustan sólo de escucharlo. En los últimos años he aparecido con más frecuencia que antes, tal vez sea por el ritmo de vida de ahora: la gente siempre está haciendo algo, la gente piensa más en hacer que en ser. Aunque cada vez soy más popular, no conocen mucho sobre mí. Me suelen confundir con miedo, angustia o pánico, a veces con sentirse extremadamente nervioso. Pero soy mucho más que esos síntomas. No soy miedo, el miedo aparece ante algo real, es una respuesta natural a algo que está presente, en eso nos diferenciamos el miedo y yo. Yo aparezco antes de que haya un peligro real, respondo ante la percepción de peligro en el futuro.

Entiendo porque mi presencia no es cómoda. Conoces mejor que nadie como se siente vivir conmigo. Pero recuerda, no estás loco, tienes ansiedad. ¿Por qué estoy aquí? No lo sé, puedo aparecer por diferentes razones. Lo que viviste hace dos semanas fue un ataque de pánico y es otro de mis síntomas, es parte de mí. Es una reacción al miedo, pero de una manera muy intensa. Como sabes, los síntomas no son cómodos: temblores, sudoración, dificultad para respirar, opresión en el pecho, despersonalización. ¿Te das cuenta que ninguno de ellos es locura? No soy locura, aunque puedas creer que lo soy. Para mí es muy importante decirte esto, porque sé que es lo que más te asusta.

Por favor respira, quédate aquí, en el presente. Si te vas con tus pensamientos, me puedo hacer más fuerte. La razón más fuerte por la que estoy aquí es por los pensamientos. No digo que sea la única, pero sí de las más importantes. Tal vez con mi presencia trato de decirte algo sobre ti, tal vez eso pueda ayudar a escucharte, de tomar un momento para ver dentro de ti. No quiero que te juzgues, porque no estoy aquí para eso, por favor sé amable contigo, con tus necesidades, con tus sentimientos. No es tu culpa, pero puedes trabajar en eso. No soy un monstruo, aunque a veces parezca uno.

Ahora que ya sabes más de mí y tal vez más sobre ti. ¿Qué opinas?

 

 

Si quieres sabes más sobre la ansiedad o crees que tienes alguno de los síntomas presentados anteriormente, por favor contáctanos.

Hi, my name is Anxiety.

Hello! It is me, I have been living with you for a while, but you do not know me yet. After all this time, I decided to introduce myself, I think it is necessary, so you could understand what is happening in a better way.  Sometimes I hear you asking yourself why you are feeling these emotions, since I can see you aren’t having a good time with me. Some nights you can’t sleep because of me and during the day you feel nervous, angry, tired. I come out in different ways: negative thoughts, anger, sadness, irritability, worries and fears. You can’t really live your life as well as you want. The only thing you can think is “I don’t deserve this”, and I know, I understand you, my presence is not comfortable at all. I have been with you for a long time, sometimes you realize my presence, but you don’t give it importance, maybe it is because you are tired or there are just too many things to do. There is an answer for everything.  The sole idea that it is me, scares you.

Everything was worst two weeks ago, when you were walking on the street, back from the job. It was a hard day but not too different to another normal day at the job: some appointments, emails to respond, everything was normal, you were walking on the same road as every day. Suddenly, you realized that something was wrong, everything was happening very fast. Your body was paralyzed, your heartbeat was increasing, and you felt that you didn’t have enough air to breathe; you felt a pain in your arms, sickness and you wanted to vomit. It was just a few seconds that felt like hours, you were desperate. The thought about death scared you even more, you were sure you were dying and you couldn’t do anything. After this, you stayed calm and then you started to walk again. You were calm, but in your mind the fear was bigger than before, the fear of feeling that again. Since that day you haven’t stopped thinking about it, you can’t sleep and when you finally fall asleep, you have nightmares or you wake up in the middle of the night, you have not slept well. The fear goes with you everywhere, you are afraid of feeling again what you felt two weeks ago and you do everything possible to take control and be able to feel safe, but inside you, you know you are very afraid.  No, you are not crazy, even if you think it. I know two weeks ago, when everything was out of control you thought you would go crazy, but trust me, you are not. That is why I am here, because it’s time you know who I am.

My name is Anxiety. I know, my name isn’t cool, some people get scared just to hear it. In the last years I have appeared more frequently than before, maybe it is because of today’s busy lifestyles, people are doing something all time, people think more in doing than in being. Although each time I am more popular, people don’t know much about me. I used to be confused with fear, anguish or panic, or sometimes with being extremely nervous.

As I told you before, I understand why my presence isn’t comfortable. You know better than anyone else, how it feels living with me. But remember, you are not crazy, you have anxiety. Why am I here? I don’t know, I can appear because of many reasons. What happened to you two weeks ago was a panic attack and it is another of my symptoms, it is part of me. It is a reaction to fear, but amplified.  As you know, the symptoms are very uncomfortable: trembling, sweating, difficulty breathing, tightness in the chest, depersonalisation. Have you noticed that not one of them is craziness? I am not craziness, even if you think it. For me it is very important to tell you this, because I know the thing that scare you the most is going crazy.  

Please breathe, stay here, in the present. I need you to stay here. If you go away with your thoughts, I can become stronger. Thoughts are the main reason why I am here. I am not saying it is the only one, but I think it is one of the most important. Maybe I am trying to tell you something about you, maybe it could help to listen to yourself, to take a moment to look within you. Please be kind with yourself, with your needs, with your feelings. It isn’t your fault, but you can work on it. I am not a monster, even if I seem like one.

Now you know more about me, and probably more about you.

What do you think about it?

 

If you want to know more about Anxiety or believe that you have any symptoms,  please contact us.

 

 

How to create the ultimate backyard oasis for children with Autism

Create the Ultimate Backyard Oasis for Children With Autism

by Danny Knight

For parents of children on the autism spectrum, spending time outdoors over the summer can be a source of both fear and fun. Nature play is calming for children on the autism spectrum, as well as educational and therapeutic. At the same time, your garden space also poses some safety hazards. When the weather starts to warm up and everyone migrates outside, eliminate the worry by making your backyard safe, accessible, and functional for everyone in the family.

Address Safety Concerns

There are some outdoor safety hazards that are a higher risk to children on the autism spectrum. For example, it is common for children on the autism spectrum to be fascinated by water, so they may be more likely to wander too close to a pool or fountain. Keep these general tips to keep in mind for backyard safety:

  • If you have a pool, the entire pool area should be fenced off so that children never have access to it without being supervised. Consider installing a pool alarm that will go off any time someone enters the water without warning. And while pool safety and preventing accidents is your primary goal, Autism Parenting Magazine recommends that children also learn to swim so they know how to manage in water.
  • Any chemicals that are used for pools, lawns, and gardens should be locked away. These include weed killers, fertilizer, pesticides, and gas for lawn mowers. Your best bet is to designate a single spot in your garage where you keep all of these items locked.
  • When spending time outdoors over summer, be aware of heat and sun exposure. If your child has difficulties with sensory processing or limited verbal communication, they may not be able to communicate while becoming overheated.

Maximize Function and Accessibility

As long as you’re aware of safety concerns, being outside in the garden can be incredibly rewarding for you and your child. Many children on the autism spectrum actually learn better and are more open to new experiences when they are outdoors, which has led some schools to create outdoor classrooms. You can create the same rich learning environment in your own backyard by setting up a space tailored to your child.

Children who are on the autism spectrum have unique sensory needs — they thrive when they have access to activities that engage the senses, yet they also need a calm and soothing space where they can disconnect from stimuli. The ideal outdoor space will have two distinct areas so they can go to a certain spot in the garden to meet each of these needs.

Set up your garden with these ideas in mind:

  • Create an outdoor space that feels safe and secure for your child. The American Society of Landscape Architects recommends setting clearly visible boundaries to create this effect. You can do this with a fence, landscaping, or some combination. Give your child their own space separate from activity as well, and make sure it is shaded so they have a calm and comfortable place to retreat.
  • Create an engaging space with outdoor sensory activities. When you set up sensory play outdoors, the options are limitless, and you can use all sorts of materials without worrying about mess. Try water activities, soap foam, sand, ice… even mud!
  • Create spaces for physical activity. Planting a vegetable gardening is an easy way for children to enjoy nature while getting some physical activity too. Be sure to have gardening gloves, shovels, and watering cans for yourself and children so the whole family can be involved. Children who are on the autism spectrum sometimes have challenges with motor skills, so this is a great way to practice those skills in a low-key and relaxing environment.

When the weather warms up and everyone heads outdoors, it can be therapeutic to get back to nature and away from the sights and sounds of “real” life. Don’t let worries about safety keep you and your child from enjoying the outdoors together! Your children will love having an outdoor oasis that provides sensory fun and a calming refuge.

Failure and rejection doesn’t have to mean that you have failed as a person

Failure doesn’t have to mean failure by Sarah Keeping- guest blogger.

Ever failed a driving test? Yep, I have. Twice. But I’m not talking about things you can easily re-take. I’m talking about things you invest a lot of time and effort in for it to come to nothing.

I started at university the first year tuition loans came in – so for anyone who went to university before this, my degree cost a lot of money. For any current students, my degree cost peanuts. But I was told in my second year that now ‘everyone’ has a degree, you should do a Masters to make sure you get a job over other candidates. I believed this to be the case and so in my final year I applied to do a Masters course and was accepted. I remember someone on my course saying how they were done with studying and couldn’t believe that I wanted to do more. But I did. I didn’t know what else to do so studying more would surely be the best thing?

I really enjoyed my Masters year, but when it came to doing my dissertation, I had lost all motivation for it. Maybe it was the topic, maybe it was because I still didn’t know what I was going to do after graduating.

One October morning, I was just about to leave for work (a retail job near my home) and my friend text me to say our grades had been released and were on the university system. I had a few minutes before I really had to leave so I thought I’d quickly check. Under the ‘dissertation’ column it said ‘F’. I thought, what does ‘F’ mean? It meant FAIL. I walked to work in a daze.

I’d never failed a subject in my life. I was so disappointed. I had the option to re-submit but I couldn’t face the prospect of re-doing a dissertation and not graduating with my friends. I decided to take the lower grade award and reassess.

For three years, I stayed in my retail job just wondering what I should do. At 18, I had naively thought that Psychology was all about the brain and therefore very science focused (I hated science at school) so I didn’t choose to study that at university. I got to 25 and thought, what have I got to lose? I applied to do a Psychology conversion course and was accepted. Two years later I was receiving my certificate at my graduation. Brilliant. What’s next? A Masters?

I applied to do a Masters course again and was accepted. For one year, if I wasn’t working I was reading for or writing an assignment. Then came the dissertation. I chose a subject that I was passionate about and really cared about. That was the difference. I was also extremely focused on history not repeating itself. In many ways, this course was also a righting a wrong. I don’t give up, I never fail (in the long run, anyway).

It’s easy to say this now, but I do think that it’s good to experience failure. Whatever you fail at, it spurs you on to try and never go through that feeling again. It definitely helped me – I was very happy walking across the stage as my name was read out at my graduation, having passed my Masters. With Distinction.

*Sarah Keeping is currently undertaking a Counselling Skills course in London and is looking to change her professional subject area to Counselling Psychology. Previous qualifications are in Investigative Psychology, Psychology, Applied Criminology, and Criminology and Sociology.

Follow Sarah on twitter at @SKeeping_Psych

Letter for a girl.

Dear little girl:

I am writing to you because I have been thinking about you for a while. You know, things are not that good in the world, there are many things about it you should know, but probably because of your age you do not know them yet. Maybe your daily activities are going to the school, playing in the afternoons, or maybe other things. Regardless, today I would like to talk to you about violence against women. Maybe you have heard about it on TV; maybe you have a small idea about what it is; maybe you have witnessed it at home or on the street; or maybe you have never heard about it; that is way I am writing to you, because I need you to know what is happening regarding violence.

First of all, please, believe in yourself, always! It does not matter what people tell you, what they say about your behaviour, how you should act, what you should say, what is permitted and what not or how you have to behave “as a girl”. There are millions of people in the world, can you imagine it? Millions! And each person has their own way of thinking, thousands and thousands of different thoughts and believes. Can I tell you a secret? Nobody is right. Find your own way, the one that goes with your dreams, those that are faithful to you. The world is not an easy place, and it is worst when you are a woman. You are a child now, but in some years you will be a woman. Beautiful certainly, no matter what beauty standards say, do you remember what I told you before about believes? It does not matter what people say about beauty, you will be beautiful. And surely, you will have other qualities, now as a child you have them, I cannot imagine in a few years, when you have more experiences in your life. As I told you before, to be a woman is not easy, it doesn’t matter from which part of the world you are reading this, and for now, you have to deal with that. You have to deal with that, I hate myself for writing this, this is not something that women should have to deal with, and it is not something that women have to live, but of those millions of people in the world, some of them really believe they do. Above, I wrote “for now”, because at the same time, there are many women (and men) on a way to change this situation; this is encouraging, the world is changing, although sometimes it does not seem like that.

I want you to know this now, you are a girl, and probably asking yourself why I am telling you these things, but I am doing this because I want you to keep it in mind, from this moment, while you are reading this, that to be a women is a good thing, although sometimes people make us feel the opposite.

I am writing to you from the future, a 30 years old woman, who, of course, has lived more experiences than you. From here, I want to tell you that you are strong, that we are not fighting against men, we are friends of women and men and, mainly, I would love for you to be your best friend, the one that you care the most about, the one that you worry for the most, the one that you respect the most, and the one that you love the most. Many people love you, I am sure that you love many people as well, but the most important one, the one that should love you the most is you. Love yourself very much, no matter the circumstances!

Another thing: Yes! You will fall in love, and you cannot imagine how amazing it is! Falling in love is a beautiful stage, everything is sweet and pretty. You will also have a broken heart, I would like it if you did not live that, but seriously, it is very necessary to do it. It makes you grow and it gives you great knowledge. Do you want to know another secret? You will learn to live with that experience as well, as tragic as it seems, trust me, you will survive. In the end, without revealing too much, everything is alright and things go back to normal; just with a plus: You will have a story to tell and it will have given you a huge knowledge about life, love and yourself. I also wish you know love, true love, because if falling in love and having a broken heart are amazing, to love, wooh! It is really wonderful! In this case I will not tell you more, trust me, you will know it when you feel and live it.

Although I do not want to give you more information about love, it is fundamental for me to tell you a very important thing, because I am pretty sure that you will hear about it through your life and probably you will grow up with this wrong belief. Please pay attention: Love does not hurt. No, love has many properties and many ways to prove it, but not one of them includes pain. Always keep it in mind.

I am sorry, dear girl, because I am telling you this so repeatedly, but I really want you to understand it, because I am sure that other women, old and young around the world, grew up with this idea, but it is a huge lie!, and then, what happens? With this idea women get confused about love, and think that is it when it is not. When they believe this, they stop taking care of themselves, because they are confused. I want you to keep it in mind always, and live your life with your head up, hugging yourself, trusting in you, and knowing who you are.

You have a universe full of opportunities and ways to live your life, just be coherent with yourself, with what you want and what you need. Be free, live your life as you want. Something that I want you to keep in mind as well and to apply as often as necessary, is to say NO. You can say NO whenever you want, and NO means NO. Do not believe that false idea that women have a different communication code and that we are hard to understand. When we want something, we say it, when we do not, we say it too. That easy. In this coherence with yourself, practice to say what you want and what do not, and always, in this exercise, make sure to respect your answer.

These are many ideas, I know, but do not be worried, take your time to assimilate the information, you can also doubt what I am writing, I am not right about everything and I may be wrong in some words. If you criticise me, you will be using your great ability to question and create your own points of view, it is very useful. This letter is a little gift for you, I would like you to take this message and keep it present.

Dear girl, you are a child yet, and you will be a great woman. I love you.

The woman from the future, 30 years old, to the girl, to all the girls.

Carta a una niña.

Querida niña:

Aún eres pequeña y probablemente no te has dado cuenta de muchas de las cosas que pasan en el mundo, en ese que existe más allá de tu visión. Tal vez tu vida gire en torno a la escuela o al juego, si es que tienes la fortuna de tener esto, de lo contrario, tal vez tus padres trabajen todo el día, incluso tengas que hacerlo tú, porque ayer escuchaste decir a tu madre que no alcanza para la comida de esta semana. Hay muchos lados no tan felices en este mundo, pero hoy, te escribo para hablarte sobre la violencia que viven muchas mujeres. Tal vez en la televisión lo has escuchado, tal vez no tengas idea de qué es; me imagino que puedas ser testigo de algo parecido en casa o en la calle, y hoy, he venido a hablarte de ello.

Por favor, siempre cree en ti. No importa qué es lo que te digan, cómo debes actuar, qué es lo que debes decir, qué está permitido y qué no. Hay millones de personas en el mundo, ¿te imaginas? ¡Millones!, cada una de ellas tiene una manera de pensar, miles y miles de pensamientos y creencias distintas. ¿Te digo un secreto? Nadie tiene la razón. Crea tu propia razón, esa que vaya de acuerdo a tus ideales, a tus valores, a tus expectativas, a tus deseos… esos que sean fieles a ti. El mundo no es un lugar tan fácil, y se complica más cuando eres mujer. Ahora eres una niña, pero en algunos años serás una mujer. Seguramente bellísima, independiente a los estándares de belleza, ¿recuerdas lo que te decía más arriba sobre las creencias?, entre ellas está la belleza, así que no importa qué opine la gente sobre la belleza, tú serás bellísima. Y seguramente, tendrás más cualidades, si ahora como niña las tienes, no puedo imaginar en unos años, cuando a tu vida se sumen las múltiples experiencias que tendrás. Como te decía, ser mujer no es fácil, no importan en dónde estés leyendo esto, y por ahora, tendrás que lidiar con esto. Tendrás que lidiar con esto, me caigo muy mal mientras escribo esto, porque no se supone que tengamos que lidiar con eso, no es algo que nos toque hacer como mujeres, pero de esas millones y millones de personas que hay en el mundo, unos millones eso creen. Allá arriba también puse “por ahora”, porque hay muchas mujeres (y hombres) en un camino para cambiar esto; esa es la parte motivante, que el mundo está cambiando, aunque haya veces que no parezca así.

Me gustaría que lo sepas, eres una niña, y seguramente te preguntas por qué te escribo esto, porque quiero que tengas presente, desde este momento en que me lees, que ser mujer es bueno, aunque por ratos nos hagan sentir lo contrario. Te escribo desde el futuro, una mujer de 30 años, que, claro está, ha vivido más cosas que tú. Desde aquí, quiero decirte que eres fuerte, que no estamos peleadas con los hombres, que somos amigas de los hombres y de las mujeres, y que, por sobre todas las cosas, me encantaría que antes de todos, siempre, siempre, siempre, seas amiga tuya. Que tú seas tu mejor amiga, a la que más cuides, a la que más consientas, a la que más respetes, a la que más quieras. Mucha gente te quiere, estoy segura que a mucha gente quieres, pero la principal, la que más me interesa que se quiera, eres tú. ¡Ámate mucho siempre! No importa cuáles sean las circunstancias.

¡Te enamorarás! ¡Siii! Y no sabes qué increíble es, el enamoramiento es una etapa hermosa, todo es dulce, bonito. Te romperán el corazón, no me gustaría que lo vivieras, pero te lo digo en serio, es muy necesario que lo vivas. Te hace crecer y te da un aprendizaje invaluable. ¿Te digo un secreto? También aprendes a vivir esa experiencia, por más trágica que parezca, créeme que resistes. Al final, sin afán de adelantarte la novela, todo sale bien y las cosas vuelven a la normalidad; sólo con un plus: que ya tienes una gran historia a tu libreta de anécdotas para contar y te ha dado un conocimiento magnífico sobre la vida, el amor y sobre ti misma. Deseo con el alma que conozcas el amor, si el enamoramiento y el que te rompan el corazón son cosas maravillosas, el amor ¡pufff! ¡Este sí qué es majestuoso! En este no me adelantaré, pues serás tú quien vaya descubriendo el camino a él, no te preocupes, cuando lo estés viviendo, lo sentirás muy bien.

Pero, aunque no quiera adelantarte información sobre el amor, me es fundamental comentarte algo muy importante, porque seguramente lo escucharás a lo largo de tu vida y crecerás con esta creencia errónea. Léelo muy bien: El amor no duele. No, el amor tiene mil y un características y otras mil maneras de demostrarse, pero en ninguna de ellas está el dolor. Siempre tenlo presente. Discúlpame querida niña por ser tan enfática en esto, pero en verdad me interesa que quede muy claro, porque en lo personal, y estoy segura que en otras mujeres mayores y menores que yo por todo el mundo, crecieron con esta idea, pero ¡qué gran mentira es!, y pues, ¿qué pasa? Que con esta idea, vamos confundiendo al amor, y entonces, ya no es amor, pero creemos que sí. Y al creer que sí, pasamos por alto muchas cosas del comportamiento de los demás, y dejamos de cuidarnos, porque estamos confundidas. Por eso desde ahora, me gustaría que siempre recuerdes esto, y vayas con esta idea por el camino de tu vida, con la cara en alto, abrazándote, creyendo en ti y sabiendo siempre quién eres.

Tienes un universo de oportunidades y formas de vivir tu vida, únicamente sé congruente contigo misma, con lo que tú quieres y necesitas. Sé libre, vive tu vida como quieras hacerlo. Algo que también quiero que recuerdes y que apliques cuantas veces sea necesario, es decir “NO”. Siempre puedes decir NO cuando quieras, y NO, significa NO. No creas otra falsa idea errónea de que las mujeres tenemos un código de comunicación distinto y que no se nos entiende, cuando queremos algo lo decimos, cuando no, lo decimos también. Así de fácil. En esta congruencia contigo misma, practica expresar lo que quieres y lo que no, y siempre, en este ejercicio, haz respetar tu respuesta.

Son muchas ideas, lo sé, no te preocupes, tómate un tiempo para digerir la información, incluso puedes cuestionarte sobre lo que escribo, no tengo razón en todo y puedo estar equivocada en algunas palabras de aquí arriba. Si me criticas, estarás ejerciendo tu hermosa habilidad de cuestionarte y crear tu propio pensamiento, eso te servirá mucho también. Este es mi pequeño regalo en el día para celebrar la niñez, quiero que con tu corazón de niña, recibas este mensaje y no lo guardes, tenlo a la mano, que te acompañe siempre.

Querida niña, eres una niña aún, y serás una gran mujer. Te quiero.

La mujer del futuro, la de 30 años, a la niña, a las niñas.

 

 

Bullying in the British Culture: Learn to stand up for yourself and your friends

I believe there is an underlying manner of bullying within the United Kingdom.  Through my experience, many Brits do not express themselves- they can either be quite passive-aggressive or just repress many emotions. I think many of them especially within the school systems are too scared to stand up and teach that bullying is not acceptable. In America, even though bullying does happen everywhere around the world we have a zero tolerance to bullying and ill-behavior.  Let’s see what Georgia Farrugia The Brighton Mental Health and Wellness Centre’s April’s Guest Blogger has to say about bulling. It’s always great to get new perspectives on things. After all, we only know what we experience in our lives.
LIKEABILITY
So here is the thing, we all want to be liked right. We compare ourselves to our neighbour in class, our friend or colleague – and most of all, the person we wish we could be like. See God made us unique. Every single one of us has a purpose, and every single one of us has a passion. I will start this with, it is OK TO BE YOU – You are perfect as you are. 
BULLYING
I know what this is like, to be left out, to not fit in. I went through it, with a total of five school moves and hating who I was and questioning why I was going through it.
However, look back at what I just said– that every single one of us has a purpose, and every single one of us has a passion. Even when I was going through some of my HARDEST times imaginable, I knew there must have been a reason. To help people possibly? And the passion – it is the very reason I have written this blog for you. To tell you that with your own inner strength you WILL get through the tournament. And so it is ok to not fit in the box of those who are doing the bullying – because you were put on this earth to create your own box. 
 
School bullying (or can be applied to any one aspect of life): SCHOOL IS NOT YOUR LIFE. The same way that your gender, religion, hair style or family background does not entirely define you, school is not your life (or your job/bullying in work). It may be what you know up to now or take up the majority of your time, but the same as when you were 7 you didn’t know what you’d achieve or how great you’d be at 17, great times will come and there will be triumphs that you just don’t know yet. 
 
You are going to reach milestones and your experience of life is going to evolve and once this period in your life has passed, you will have memories, but school itself, or the adversity you are facing, will not define you and eventually those memories will become the distant past. You are free to choose how to live your life and WHO YOU WANT TO BE. Make that decision count, not what the tormentors say. 
 
One day, life will revolve around new relationships and jobs, college or university, there may be friends, holidays or religion or a faith that may come into your life – what I am showing you is that your life will have other meaning and the nugget in this is, do not let your current or past experiences define who you are, how you believe in yourself or who you will become. 
 

It is that the hardest times in our lives that will make us the strongest people and enable us to achieve our best. I wish you the best. 

Would you like to get in touch with Georgia? Tweet her here: @mcrgeorgia https://twitter.com/mcrgeorgia

Have you ever been bullied? Do you need help establishing stronger boundaries within your own relationships? Please get in touch with the centre today! www.brightonwellnesscentre.co.uk.

Does achieving life milestones make you happier?

‘Life milestones make happiness’
Written by Sarah Keeping

At my 18th birthday party, someone asked me what I wanted from my life and I remember saying, with a big smile on my face that I wanted to be happy. But apparently, this answer was too general. I remember thinking, why? Isn’t this what everyone wants? Should I have said that I wanted to own a Ferrari?

When I was 19, I wrote down on a piece of paper everything I wanted to achieve in my life. For a person who prides herself for being an optimist, owning a house by the time I was 25 was probably a bit too hopeful! The list contained things like, visiting Paris, getting married and being happy. But now I look back and ask myself what actually is happiness? I would say that only you know what happiness is because it’s unique to you; what makes one person happy doesn’t necessary do the same for another person. Back then I think I thought that happiness just happens, just like life. Unfortunately, you have to make things happen in your life, opportunities don’t usually come to you.

In my experience, society has an expectation about what you do in life; you get your qualifications, you get a career, you fall in love, you get married, you have children. But what if that doesn’t happen? And what if you don’t want all of those things to happen? Or in that order? Are you then a failure? Of course not.

I watched an episode of Will and Grace the other day, and Grace (who is a single woman in her late 40s and has no children) was worried about going to a Baby Shower because of how people would perceive her. What was really interesting about this though was when the other women eventually found out about how she felt, they too expressed how they were worried about how she would perceive them as being mothers and nothing else. Even though this was fiction, it reinforced to me that the way we look at ourselves is not necessarily how others see us. As long as we are happy with our lives, that is all that ever matters.

HOW WILL PEOPLE PERCEIVE US IF WE DON’T HAVE CHILDREN AND ARE IN OUR 40’S? 

What we have (or don’t have) in our lives is not put on a scale that shows how well we are doing at life. And if some people think there is such a scale, maybe it says more about them than us.

I would love to know your thoughts on this topic. Do you feel that by accomplishing life milestones you are a happier person?

*Sarah Keeping is currently undertaking a Counselling Skills course in London and is looking to change her professional subject area to Counselling Psychology. Previous qualifications are in Investigative Psychology, Psychology, and Criminology and Sociology.