Emotional Growth Mindset: What seeds will you be planting during this Harvest?

As Autumn approaches, the big dark hairy spiders come out to play, and the rain always surprises us with an unannounced call (more than once)… I am reflecting on what I did and did not accomplish this past year. After all, this is the Harvest. This is the time of year where we plant seeds and daffodil bulbs to when harvested will remind us that Spring and a fresh start is nearer.

Reflecting on this past year, I did a lot of ‘holding on’ and ‘hanging in there.’ It wasn’t the most eventful of years. However, I moved into a new house which is lovely, shed more people who didn’t have my best interest at heart, waited one long year for a hernia re-constructive repair surgery, and lost one more year of not seeing my family in America. I would say that there were some good things that happened and some mundane things as well. Kind of like how it’s raining profusely at an angle outside my window right now and simultaneously the sun is shining. Sometimes life does not make any sense. I do, however, choose to notice the sun in these certain circumstances.

It’s a funny phrase, ‘hang in there’ isn’t it? It’s like saying… I don’t know when all this shit is going to end, but it eventually will or it may not. If it doesn’t you potentially might just drop off the tree branch you are hanging onto. You will fall, break your legs, potentially your neck… and then it will be a complete disaster. But, but keep holding on… it will be fine. It’s kind of like when people respond to you with the phrase ‘fair enough.’ What in the hell does that actually mean? Does that mean, you don’t care? you don’t have an opinion? you are daft? Does it mean the same things as ‘whatever’? I personally think that even that particular phrase is the most emotionally detached comment anyone can say to a human being.

There is nothing more than I can’t stand than having this attitude of ‘hanging in there.’ It’s malarkey. I want solutions. I want to know what to do when I am knee-deep in it. I want support when I am hanging from that tree branch,  I want people to say, ‘hey, Jess… we got this or YOU got this… or I hear you, this happened to me, or I know what to do when this happens.’ I need someone to show me or tell me that there is hope. That things will get better, things will change and challenge and provoke me to ask myself- what am I going to do to make things change if it’s within my power to make it change. Not just say… hang in there, fair enough or just look at me and nod. Lack of connections is very frustrating for me and can be quite lonely at times. Some people just don’t get it.

I met this guy on the train recently. We spoke. We connected. We exchanged details. He was a psychology student. A few months later he asked if I could assess him. Our texted went back and forth like a ping pong on a flat green table. He finally disclosed he was using drugs to self medicate. I told him I would go to a 12 step meeting with him if he wanted me to. He was shocked. He said why would you do that we only have met once. I jokingly replied ‘I am a legand.’ He said ‘that you are.’ However, jokingly aside… I said this is what humans are supposed to be doing. Being kind, helping one another. Being humane. Hence why we are technically classified this way. Plus, this person has great potential to change the future. And, this is how I see it. Sometimes when we have minds that are ahead of the normative it can feel quite overwhelming. This overwhelming feeling is often felt by people who are neurodiverse, artists, empaths, and healers. It is a feeling that is in intense because we often absorb other people’s energy and emotions. It can be difficult to shield and protect ourselves. This again is something this psychology student and I discussed. How if you look closely you can see people’s energy. I again would rather have these conversations then that of a so-called friend randomly texting me if I am doing alright and then ghosting me after they have read my response- IF they have even read my response.

Life is too short not to have deep connections. That is one thing I learned this year. I also learned that like the rain outside my large bay window that continues to dance upon the slick pavement sideways and while the sun intermittingly pops by to say hello, you can have plenty of crappy times simultaneously with the good times, too. It’s not something that I was made aware of when I was younger. I never struggled as an adult when I was living on the East Coast in America. It has only been difficult since moving here within the UK have I really saw negativity and unkindness and racism towards me. It hasn’t been easy at all I must say. Plus, I was having far too good of a time in the states to notice anything bad happening in my life. But, as you get older and sober… have children, do things on your own, no family support, single parenting, in a foreign country where I am the foreigner and on top of the desperate, dark, wet weather… there is Harvest. Harvest time or pumpkin time is a time where we can begin a new.

Now is the time to plan for next year. What am I going to do? What are YOU going to do? What bulbs will you be planting this Autumn? What thoughts will you be congregating? What kind of vibrations will you be standing next to? How will you grow if you want to grow? What will you change in your life to make you happier? Now I will reflect upon these questions as well. Time to bed down and make preparations. Do you grow? Do you study something new? Do you change your job or make the most of your job? Will you help others more? Will you howl at the moon more? Laugh more? Go on more adventures? Look after the homeless? Fall in love? Fall out of love? What seeds will you be planting during this Harvest?

 

Escaping from family trauma: is it difficult to let it go?

Can one ever escape from past family trauma? Parents divorcing? Abuse? Loss of a loved one? Moving? Blended families? Whatever consists of trauma within the individual? I believe that they can. It’s all about what you want as an individual. Do you want to move on from family trauma? What are you doing about it? Are you seeking a healer? a psychologist? someone to support you? I think anything is possible. For me, writing my own narrative is one way to let go of the past and move forward. And, so here my story goes. 

This song makes me think of my siblings; mostly my sister. When we were younger we used to go on many crazy adventures. My sister had this friend. She had this green Jeep. It had tan leather interior and we used to ride with the windows down with the wind blowing in our hair. My sister’s friend was called Julie. I am unsure where they met, but I used to tag along. We used to drive, smoke and go from Canton, Ohio to Columbus chasing parties. We used to play this game called Radish, Radish. That game always made me laugh. Tears would pour out of my eyes with utter content. My sister was younger than me. But she was always more advanced than me in everything. She was always partying before me. She knew the best parties, the best festivals and the knew where to get the coolest clothes.

The irony of it all… she probably thought the same about me. She probably looked at me and thought, ‘Jessica had it all’ or ‘has it all’. It’s funny how people’s perspective vary. It’s that whole the grass is greener syndrome. For me, I always felt I could never keep up. I don’t mean keep up with my sister, but just people in general. It was easier to be different, to be odd, to cut my hair shorter than everyone before it was the ‘in thing’ to do and to slide on those leather pants knowing people probably judged me and at that time in my life didn’t give a rats ass who judged. I naturally escaped from the whole conformity of society. I think nowadays there would be words for me: bohemian, hedonist, neurodiverse. But, do labels help? What do you think? In the past, I didn’t care what people thought of me. But, I guess as one matures, gets married, has children, gets divorced, raises kids… one starts to develop a different view on things in life. For me, I don’t really care what people think of me. It’s just sort of like I don’t want any ill will or bad vibes in my life or on my journey. But as you get older you realise that this is all part of growing up and maturing, unfortunately.

SEEING THINGS IN A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE always matter!

My youngest just asked me about the moon. She said ‘how does the moon stay up in the sky?’ I said ‘due to gravitational force’. She said, so I could be upside down right now? as she puts her hands upside down along side of her hands to display exactly what she is verbalizing. I responded, yes. She stood still. Posed while hanging upside down, her hair falling loose. She said as a matter of factly, I feel better upside down. And, I replied- so do I sometimes! We giggled. Funny how when you are a child your view on life is so clear. And, sometimes we as adults tend to mess everything up.

When I was younger, my sister and I were very close. We used to stay up late and giggle. We used to see the world upside down.

When I hear Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car, nostalgia dances to me like a wave that has just hit me unexpectedly. It always makes me think of my sister and myself escaping the world together. It makes me think about just me being part of her world and being so excited about it all. It was high school. It was a long time ago. But, that is when I felt most close to her; the times when we would stay up late in bed and talk and laugh. Exactly like my very own children do now.

That doesn’t mean I leave my brother out of the equation. He and I were the dynamic duo when we used to work together. People came to see us behind the bar. We had charisma, we had something that many people didn’t have working behind the bar. We just didn’t care. We laughed, we drank, we created some of the best parties when we worked together. Those were the days.

But things evolve. We get older, get married, have children, develop something that is called ‘responsibility’ and there the story goes.

We grow, we change, we love. But one thing remains constant. The love and affection I have for my siblings. It is a continuum.

 

A letter of Goodbye

I am sorry for leaving
I am sorry for not leading
I am sorry for escaping
I am sorry for not mothering
I am sorry I had my own issues
I am sorry for being selfish
I am sorry for leaving you behind
I am sorry for not protecting you
Mostly
My travels are coming to end
I am now in my 40’s
And, that is when you learn
You learn when you have your own kids
You learn when you fail
I am the oldest
I should have known better
I should have been there when she wasn’t
When he wasn’t
I should have been there
I am sorry for failing you
I am sorry for letting you down
I am sorry for misleading you

 

www.brightonwellnesscentre.co.uk
www.onlinetherapyhelps.com

from Memoires across the Pond

Moving forward using all my breath: letting go of the past

Moving forward using all my breath. Sometimes that is what I feel like when I am trying to evolve and move forward in my life with people, my life and things in general. Many people are happy staying still. Some people are content staying still. You see, to me.. I think that staying still is very smelly and  stagnant. It’s not like I am unsettled, or feeling anxious.. I am just ever evolving and growing. And, I am in touch with that. I am embracing that. I like change. I welcome change. Change is inevitable. We as human beings change every single day. Some people are not even aware of this phenomenon. But we are growing both physically and emotionally. Yes, we get to a point in our life where we are fully grown, but then we change shape and decline in our stature.

I unfortunately, painfully, am aware of my change. Every day, every moment, every time I fall into the rabbit hole. You see sometimes I feel this is a weakness. However, I know it is a great strength. This awareness is a great strength. I do not call myself a healer. But, I am someone who has been there. I have experienced so many things and I can be supportive and exhibit empathy.  This is one reason I can help inspire people- I am aware of these changes in myself which gives me the strength to share them with other people.

Erik Erikson explains the psychosocial stages of human development. 

We change all of the time whether you like it or not. But, why are relationships so difficult? Well, I can tell you one reason why… we all don’t change at the same time. Sometimes we can change together. But, sometimes someone changes first. We are all on a journey.. but on different speeds. That is what makes life so challenging sometimes.

These past 12 years living in England has brought me on a what might be called a super dooper magic carpet ride. I have made friends. And, lost friends. I have thought friends were my family. But, only found out they were toxic. I believed in others to help me to get through whatever it was I was feeling or not in touch with and that was totally wrong of me. I am sure I have hurt people because I had to move forward. I didn’t like the vibe we were in or they were exhibiting unhealthy behaviors for me and I was ready to move on. Let’s face it. Sometimes being stagnant is boring. It wasn’t easy, but I know it was the best thing for my family and for myself. People were very unkind to me and I had to let that hurt go and walk away from people who were not my ‘tribe’ or even ‘my people’.   I was and am on my own journey and they were only holding me back so I had to let them go. Does this sound familiar? Have you ever experienced something like this?

These changes have been difficult for me as well. It is not easy moving forward with anchors at your feet only to drag you down when you are being pushed up, evolving and inflated up into the Universe. People can be quite jealous and also not happy for you when you are doing so well and working hard. It is such a shame that sometimes we as humans find it difficult to celebrate the small achievements in life eg. being a single parent and kicking ass, getting that raise, going back to school, getting through that tough time, making that move, being kind to someone who doesn’t deserve it, moving on etc.

It is not easy to push on through, break on through to the other side as Jim Morrison would say. You have family that may try to anchor you. You have friends that just do not ‘get’ you. But, it’s evolution that is only sustaining you. You are inevitably evolving and moving forward whether you like it or not; whether you are noticing it or not.

So, if you are evolving what and where will it take you?

I know for me I have always felt that I dance to a different beat to the drum. I have always felt unique and amazing for doing this. However, sometimes when life gets difficult and one gets lost or one is meandering… one may lose faith. It is totally okay to be yourself. It is totally okay to not follow the conformity of society. It is okay to follow your intuition and believe in yourself. Do it! Move forward. Move on. Let the past go. Let limited beliefs go. You are YOU now. You are not that small child anymore. You have moved on. Who is that person that you have grown into?

I guess it is difficult because shedding toxic people is a choice. Telling people how you feel is a choice. They more than likely will not like your response. They are not true friends. They are people who feed off of your energy and your charisma. It is fine to have friends like that, I am not judging. What I am saying is that we often have to make difficult choices to grow. It’s not just as easy as planting the seed and watching it grow. Sometimes we plant the seed and there is a massive hurricane and it doesn’t grow for years.

I have literally cleaned out three bags of clothes this week. I just think to myself, gosh, very gluttonous of me. This week I am ‘clearing’. I am clearing out every single part of my house, closet, loft, cupboard, and patio. It is time to ‘clear’ out and move forward.

That goes for the past. Letting go of EVERYTHING IN THE PAST! It is gone. Shed. I am not looking backwards anymore. Moving forward losing all my breath. The time has come to experience change. And, change wherever it may take me or you will be a positive thing.

I am making the difficult decisions to throw away family heirlooms that I thought once kept me grounded. Gone. I have held on to sentimental things thinking that those objects anchor me. Gone. No longer will I look back. Only forward. Only growth. Moving away from those that judge. Freedom.

What do you think about this? Would you ever do this? Go through all of your things and shed unwanted things in your home? In your life? In your filing cabinet? I challenge you to this! Can you do this? Do you have too much in your house? In your mind? In your heart? In your past?

Learn to breathe and let it all go. Now is the time.

Moving forward using all my breath. I am looking forward to the next few chapters that this #snowmoon has brought to all of us. I am slowly feeling more positive about this clearing out and all is slowly settling. That is the thing about change. Sometimes is creeps up on us when we aren’t looking and sometimes we will it and make the change. Either way let’s embrace it together. Because change is the Universe and the Universe will always provide. But, first believe in yourself. Because you are part of the Universe.

www.brightonwellnesscentre.co.uk
www.onlinetherapyhelps.com

 

Here is to finding ourselves and one another.

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